The Leader, The Mum and Me: Holding Up the Mirror

Lindsay Fyffe-Jardine, CEO of Edinburgh Dog and Cat Home and ACOSVO Women Leaders Network Champion, discusses the importance of being a reflective leader and surrounding yourself with good people.

I’ve often described being a parent as an experience in which you have a mirror held up to you almost constantly. You see the best of yourself, what you do well and what you feel proud of in the reflection - whether that reflection be your child or when you look at yourself.

However, you also see in that mirror the worst parts of yourself - the parts that show your vulnerabilities, your insecurities and what you wish you could change about who you are. I’ve learnt more about who I am and what I like and dislike most about myself by becoming a mum.

That mirror becomes a magnifying glass when you add in others’ views and opinions on how you do things. I’m sure every parent has experienced that magnifying glass and the suffocating heat it can create when you’re sat under it. It’s one of the things I struggle with the most being a mum. The opinions ‘innocently’ shared, the comments on how you do things compared to others and let’s get real, the judgement. I particularly think this is a more acute experience for working mums who juggle that feeling of not quite getting it right in either part of their life. The mirror of parenthood casting a long shadow at times when the balance proves tough and ultimately becomes unbalanced.

This mirror experience I would argue can be likened to being a leader. In that (often) lonely role you feel most aware of what you do well and what your flaws are. This doesn’t mean, like being a parent, you don’t have good people around you to bolster you and support your thinking and delivery. What I’m referring to are the moments when you’re faced with a decision or action that you and only you can make and recommend. The buck stops with you and the actions taken by your team reflect on you. This is no different to being a mum and I must admit being both a leader and a mum at times can be overwhelming because of this constant awareness and scrutiny over the ‘what’ and ‘how’.

So, what’s the solution to try and diminish the glare of that mirror? A good starting point is ensuring that you don’t block out the reality of what are your strengths and areas of development within yourself. Being a reflective parent and leader, I feel is key to being an improved one. A mum and a leader who care about what they do and how they do it. So, it’s about allowing enough space to acknowledge the strengths and successes that shine back at you, remaining mindful of those areas of yourself that you like less not becoming dominant but never losing sight of what you can always keep working on. Pulling on those who you have placed around you to support and push you can also be the trusted voices to help you open up the parts of yourself that are most uncomfortable to look at and reflect on how to develop that. Finding family, friends, colleagues, therapists, coaches, and mentors who will allow you to do empowering self-development. I myself have worked out by becoming a mum and a leader I am deeply compassionate yet also deeply impatient. I have to remain mindful of this and actively work on it, but it’s also good to have my tribe around me who will also lovingly call me out, in the right way.  

But you’ll likely be wondering about that dreaded magnifying glass. That’s when you need to develop your own brand of ‘Teflon coating’ that allows you to deflect the harsh words, judgment and plain unhelpful commentary so freely given to you in both roles. To find ways to let it roll right off you. It’s surrounding yourself with people, like the ones I mention above, in both your personal and professional life who help you build that coating and talk it out with you during those moments where it wasn’t thick enough and you need to stabilise yourself. Learning not to internalise and take on what others direct through that magnifying glass is the hardest element of being a parent and a leader. But by working on how to compartmentalise and deflect it there’s a lot more energy that can be put where it needs to be. Realising the awesome power that is who you are and what you are yet to be.